All my teachers have always told me that I need to become more positive. They notice that I focus on negative things in life rather than positive, and this may lead to self-destruction (well, I think that noticing negative things more is how a human brain works, and I am not special, but they keep telling me this for a reason).
I know that I might have self-esteem issues: I rate myself as 6 while Western guys rate me as 8 (and some even 9), I punish myself for all my mistakes and recently started having masochistic sexual desires. I hate being a woman as well (I live in Russia, not the best place for them, guys, please don’t say that women have an advantage in a dating game, NOT HERE).
It’s never enough for me and I am never satisfied. I have very high expectations from myself and from the others. My bf is Swedish, he doesn’t know how to communicate with me, because I am used to being afraid of men (they have always treated me like crap, even my father abandoned me and once I have been almost raped, luckily I can fight well and I won, don’t forget where I come from) and I expect the same from him, even though he is a completely different person. I am looking for hidden meaning in every his word and always expect the worst from him and see only bad things in him, recently he even started crying and asked me why do I find him such an @sshole.
How can I start feeling better about myself and others?
Open Question: I notice only bad things in my bf and this life?
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